life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
In America we eat man semen.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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