My liver just broke up with me...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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