you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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