she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
