First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
