I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
