Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
