She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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