I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
