Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
