have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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