True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
