I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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