if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
