I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
