Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
organizing the empties. That sober.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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