I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
