Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
