I'm gonna have a badass scar
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
