clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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