That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
