im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize