I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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