You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
