Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
