I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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