The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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