Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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