i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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