im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
