Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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