Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
