I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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