But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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