Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
