she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
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