I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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