remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
