I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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