Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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