I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
