I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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