I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
