You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
