Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
