Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
