I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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