I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
