i just had sex bonerless
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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