I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
