Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
