Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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