I hate your face
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
