I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
