Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
