Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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