Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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