dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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