What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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