Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
