I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
