I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
